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Raw Untreated Sewage |
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Sewage today... for a better tomorrow |
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The Sludge Report: | Exciting news about our bankruptcy! |
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Products & Services: | We're not just sewage anymore. |
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Company History: | One man's bold vision. Some called it insanity. |
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Sales Department: | Contact us today. Please. |
Stockholder news:
Our Chapter 11 status has earned us a coveted "Sell immediately" recommendation from the respected financial publication Receivership Age.
We're proud to announce our pending acquisition by The Sludge Group. This will further leverage our ability to compete in a global marketplace and increase our chances of someday actually selling something. Wholly-owned subsidiaries of The Sludge Group include:
Domestic Subsidiaries
- Amalgated Scat
- American Cowpie
- Diversified Sludge
- Dung & Associates
- GuanoCo
European partners
- Deutsche Manure AG
It's time to retire the slogan that's been with us from the very beginning. After many late nights and a lot of soul-searching, we've developed this list of possibilities that we feel define our core mission.
- "Raw Untreated Sewage, Inc. - The noxious fumes people"
- "If you're shopping for sewage, you've come to the right place."
- "Made from the best sludge on Earth"
- "Raw untreated sewage is more than what we sell. It's who we are."
- "For sewage made the old-fashioned way"
- "The world's most respected maker of sludge and other fine sewage by-products"
- "Producing raw sewage for a new millenium"
- "Pure sewage, without any additives. The way nature meant it to be."
- "We put a little bit of ourselves in everything we make."
Our company and products are fully y2k compliant. However, there could be delivery problems resulting from compliance issues in the transportation infrastructure. Have you remembered to hoard enough raw sewage for the much-feared shortages that y2k may bring?
UPDATE: Happily, the reality of y2k didn't live up to the hype. But we still recommended you maintain a healthy reserve for that unexpected emergency need that can always pop up. Why not order some raw sewage today?
The "In-house Outhouse"
Few things bring back fonder memories than the stories Grandpa told about his days growing up and the trips he'd make to that rustic little shack on the hill in the midst of a chill winter's eve. Well, now you can bring back those days with our In-house Outhouse. This model is constructed of recycled barn boards and comes complete with a well-worn oak seat and a rickety, termite-infested door mounted on authentic rusty hinges. We've even included a vintage Sears Catalog for your reading enjoyment, as well as those "practical" concerns. Although this product is a delightful reminder of a simpler time, it's been inventively updated for the 00's and beyond. It's designed to be installed inside your existing bathroom! Our In-house Outhouse adds a touch of country charm to your home, and it's great for a soothing break in your hectic day.
This is the cornerstone upon which our reputation is built. We offer raw, untreated sewage in a wide range of sizes, from our new Porta-Pak all the way up to the railroad hopper car Jumbo-Pak.
This new service for the electronic age is one that is sure to make Raw Untreated Sewage a household name. We're offering FREE, unlimited e-mail, without any annoying advertisements. That's right - FREE email! All you do is complete a quick and easy registration procedure and you'll be on your way. You simply agree to accept, with every e-mail you send or receive, a 50-gallon drum of raw untreated sewage delivered fresh to your doorstep. It's that easy! No other strings attached.
Raw Untreated Sewage, Inc. was founded in 1978 with one employee, no customers, and a vision. A vision of a company that would set a new paradigm for sewage quality and service. Some called that insane. We preferred to think we were just ahead of our time.
Back then, the company's warehouse was located right in the owner's one-room efficiency apartment. Now, after 20 years of hard work, we still have one employee, no customers, and the same persistent, nagging vision. We're also still located in that same apartment. And boy, is it crowded in there with all of those rusty drums stacked up between the sofabed and TV. Not everything has remained unchanged, though. Now, some of the drums are starting to leak.
Whether you're looking for a 50-gallon drum of sludge or a small keepsake gift for that special someone, we'd be pleased to take your order. Won't you please order something? We've got a huge overstock of inventory and another tanker makes a delivery every week. We really need to get rid of some of this "product." It's starting to smell very bad. Especially in the summer when it gets humid and the stuff starts to simmer, what with the air conditioner broken. Why not buy some today? Huh? Please?
Harold B. Colon
CEO, Sales Mgr., Production Supervisor, Pourer
Copyright 2000 The Lampoonery. Contact us
NOTE: This site contains parody and satire and is packaged as amusingly as possible by modern writing methods. However, some settling may occur during download and product may not appear funny to the consumer.
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